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November 19, 2003
CALLING ALL SHADCHANIM...
Rabbi Josh Yuter, a fellow member of the "Four Questions" conspiracy, has a new homiletical twist on a famous metaphor:
Why then is it that the nice guys so often finish last? How can being nice actually be a turn off and harm someone’s chances for a meaningful relationship? I think the answer can be found in an old adage which usually has a different connotation:
“Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”
The usual interpretation is that since men are only interested in one thing. Once they get it, they would see no need for a commitment i.e. marriage. I think the same logic holds true for women. Assume the popular myth that women want an emotional connection of some sort. If there is a “nice guy” around, she can the emotional support she needs from someone without having to commit. She may be able to confide in him, have him work around her apartment, help her with just about any crisis, and she doesn’t have to make any sort of commitment back to him. The guy will obviously put up with it, because after all, he’s “nice” and this is what nice people do.
So if there's a person who is willing to do all this for you - with nothing in return, why would you consider a serious relationship with this person? You can go find someone else who is cooler, richer, better looking, or anything else and still have that "nice" person around when you need him or if nothing else works out.
Cow, Milk, Free.
Ah, the nice guy's lament...sometimes, there is something to it. And sometimes there isn't. But this man certainly deserves the right shidduch.
(Despite his off-line denials, I still think that he and the proprietess of newly-permalinked GirlHock have a Jerry-Elaine thing going. There must be a backstory that I don't get.)
On an almost-serious note, check out this Salon piece that attacks nice guys from the opposite pole - of being too attractive, in a perverse way, to marriage-minded females. (Let's say it's written from a non-frum perspective.) As above, sometimes there's something to it and sometimes there isn't.
Posted by Dr. Manhattan at 12:27 AM | Permalink
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» Waiting On A Friend from YUTOPIA
My previous post "The Harm In Being Nice" generated a great deal of feedback. Thanks to everyone who posted, IMed, e-mailed, voted, and threatened. Although some people missed the point, just about everyone contributed something positive to the discuss... [Read More]
» Waiting On A Freind from YUTOPIA
My previous post "The Harm In Being Nice" generated a gread deal of feedback. Thanks to everyone who posted, IMed, e-mailed, voted, and threatened. Although some people missed the point, just about everyone contributed something positive to the discuss... [Read More]
» Waiting On A Friend from YUTOPIA
My previous post "The Harm In Being Nice" generated a great deal of feedback. Thanks to everyone who posted, IMed, e-mailed, voted, and threatened. Although some people missed the point, just about everyone contributed something positive to the discuss... [Read More]
Comments
Yuter and I are terribly not shayach. He holds that it's assur for women to wear shaytels outdoors on Shabbos, if there isn't an eiruv in their local.
Posted by: Meredith | November 20, 2003 7:04 PM
He's lightened up! When we last discussed the topic, he was quite anti-eruv in general (at least with respect the the eruv in my neighborhood).
And clearly, he holds that hats are preferable to sheitels.
Posted by: Dr. Manhattan | November 20, 2003 10:30 PM